he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
