Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
