IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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