you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
