How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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