She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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