I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
