Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
