And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Bring me that man meat
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
