I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize