This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
