A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
