i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
