I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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