If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
