No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
