i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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