Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
