Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize