there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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