i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
