You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
