can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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