The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
