Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
