dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
