if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
