He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
