Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
