oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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