i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
false alarm, still single
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
