I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
