Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
