The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
