At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
