I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
we should paint friendship bongs
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
