He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
