Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
