i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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