Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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