go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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