your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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