I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
