Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
