Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
