it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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