my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
