Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
