some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
