the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
