Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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