he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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