Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
