Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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