i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
