They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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